Gabriel Ramirez

Gabriel Ramirez

 

I couldn’t be who I am
today if it wasn’t for you
being dead. It was time
for glitter, nail polish, and locs.
Glitter in my nail polish.
Glitter in my locs.
You wouldn’t have
loved me loving myself;
my joy rendered
inconvenience.
Sucked teeth keeping me
your grandson.
My love for the men
in our family
is complicated but
still love. Still me
accepting
who they are,
how they may not
accept me. Abuelo,
show them the infinite
possibilities tenderness allows.
How the men
in our family
love women,
I would love to be
loved by me
and I would
be afraid
to be loved by me.
I’d say enough
to keep but never
do enough to stay.
Afraid to die alone
like Pops did.
Others’ love for me
has been what’s left
after forgiveness.
I could’ve loved
them better if
I loved myself
more. There’s nothing
I could hide from you,
Abuelo. You are no longer
of your prejudices and
while I can still
hold you accountable
I’d rather be held
by your body of stars.
Your new understanding
of life without
the exhaustion
of matter. Abuelo,
Mommy says
I look like you, but
I want to look like a man
who learned to forgive
himself. Orchids
blooming
up my throat.
No man wants
to sound like
who’s abandoned them.
What song made us
ask the wrong questions?
What joke made us
laugh closing doors
on our true selves?
Who would relive
the moments
that shaped them
into what
they couldn’t love?
All my glitter and tenderness
makes me the only mother
I won’t get a chance to mourn.
I carry my bright child face and
tell myself: you will become me,
trust, sweet boy, everyone dies on time.